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Son Withdrawn

Dear Joan,

You talk about low self-esteem being epidemic among females, but what about the boys? I am so worried about my 20-year-old son; he seems so unhappy. He says he hates himself and his life. He is withdrawn, spending most of his time in his room. What can we do to help him feel better about himself?

E.M.

Dear E.M.,

I hear this question a lot lately. At almost every seminar, someone comes to me at the break worried about a son. Something is happening to our young men, which is very worrisome. These late teens, and "20-somethings" are feeling a lot of pressure. Society has changed the rules. Role expectations, uncertain futures, changing role dynamics make many feel as if they are being hammered on all fronts. There seems to be a lot of depression, a lot of anxiety and much anger.

COMMUNICATION is the key. This is hard when he gives those monosyllable answers and does "the disappearing act"! Still, you need to persist at getting him to open up, not by badgering, but by creating an unthreatening, loving and non-judgmental atmosphere to talk to you. Listening is the most important thing you can do, and it will probably be the hardest thing you do. As loving parents we want to jump in and "fix" things. Life for this group is not like it was 20 or 30 years ago when we were at that stage. What you would have done or felt does not necessarily apply anymore, and besides, its his life.

Chronic feelings of low self-worth are often aggravated at this time by a relationship gone bad or the inability to get a good job directly related to interests and education. Successes, small and large, are key to building the sense of self from the inside out. As a parent you can tell him how wonderful, handsome and talented he is, but if it is not part of your son’s own belief system, what you say won’t make the difference.

Just being acknowledged and "listened to" can make a big difference. Your son needs to know that you are proud of him even if his life path is not what think it should be. Don’t expect that things will change overnight and he will suddenly become more communicative now that you are making the effort. You can’t force it. Be loving; be encouraging. Give him the message that your door is always open. Waiting is hard to do, but eventually your patience and persistence will pay off.

When the low self worth shows itself as mild to moderate depression and anxiety, taking St. John’s Wort often seems to help without the side effects of antidepressants. It helps to take away the gloom, so that a person can more effectively cope with his life. It takes a few weeks for a noticeable change after starting St. John’s Wort. It is important to note that if one is taking antidepressants, he should not take St. John’s Wort at the same time. Also he should consult his physician before making any changes.

If he does choose to take medication at this time, it is even more crucial to persist with communication and support.

Joan

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Last updated:  June 18, 2008